Conflict resides in every relationship, but it doesn’t need to mean it’s time to separate!

Note from the editor: I hope you enjoy Kimberly’s latest blog post. If you’re a couple who could use an impartial third party to help you work through some things in your relationship and think Kimberly could help, reach out today to get started! -Alisha Brewster, Practice Manager for Aurora Sun Counseling.

Conflict Doesn’t Mean the End (Promise!)

Here’s the deal: every couple fights. I know, shocker! But not all conflicts are bad. In fact, disagreements are a natural part of being close to someone—when they’re handled in a healthy way. You don’t have to be “perfect” and avoid conflict—what matters is how you argue. If you handle it right, a little conflict can actually bring you closer together. The key is to know the difference between constructive and destructive conflict.

Constructive conflict is all about teamwork. It looks like:

Trying to solve the actual problem instead of just “winning” the argument
Communicating openly and listening to each other (yes, even when it’s uncomfortable)
Respecting each other’s feelings and perspectives, even if you don’t agree 100%

Destructive conflict, on the other hand, tends to look more like this:

Blaming, criticizing, or shutting down completely
Escalating things quickly—maybe yelling, withdrawing, or bringing up old stuff
Leaving one or both of you feeling hurt, unheard, or resentful

Recognizing these behaviors early can help you shift from destructive conflict to a healthier way of communicating.

Take a moment to reflect: How do you usually show up in conflict? Do you lean more toward constructive or destructive patterns? No judgment here—just something to think about!

self-reflection with a focus on our behaviors and motivations can give us insight on ways we can improve; both inside and outside of a partnership.

How to De-Escalate an Argument

Let’s be real—most fights don’t start off huge. But when emotions take over, things can spiral fast. That’s why learning how to slow things down in the moment is so important. With a few simple strategies, you can keep conflict from turning into something that causes real damage.

Here are some practical ways to de-escalate when things get heated:

Take a pause.
If you feel yourself getting overwhelmed, it’s totally okay to hit pause. Step away for a minute, take a breath, or collect your thoughts. A short break can make a big difference in keeping the situation from getting out of hand.
Use “I” statements.
Instead of pointing fingers (like “You never listen to me”), try saying how you feel: “I feel unheard when I’m interrupted.” It keeps the conversation focused on your experience instead of assigning blame. This helps avoid defensiveness.
Practice active listening.
Before jumping in with your own response, try reflecting back what your partner said. Something like, “So what I’m hearing is…” or “Let me make sure I understand…” can help both of you feel more seen and heard. This shows empathy and fosters a deeper emotional connection.
Ask for clarification.
Misunderstandings are super common during conflict. If something feels unclear or off, ask about it instead of assuming. Try: “Can you help me understand what you meant by that?” or “Are you saying that because you’re feeling…?” This can clear up confusion before it leads to bigger issues.
Watch your words.
Saying things like “you always do this” or “you never care” puts people on the defensive—and usually escalates things. Stick to what’s happening in the moment. This keeps the conversation productive and avoids unnecessary tension.
Look for common ground.
Remember: it’s not about winning. The goal is to understand each other better and work toward a solution together, trying to find areas of agreement- even if you don’t agree on everything. This helps keep things calm and cooperative.

sometimes winning feels like everything but having it be the end goal (even if you don’t know it) can destroy your relationship.

Repairing After a Fight: Time to Reconnect

Conflict isn’t just about what’s said during the argument, it’s also about what happens next. The way you reconnect after a disagreement can either bring healing or leave behind lingering tension.

Here are some steps to help you repair and move forward in a healthy way:

Apologize sincerely.
A real apology goes a long way. That means owning up to hurtful words or actions without throwing in excuses or justifications. “I’m sorry I snapped at you. That wasn’t fair,” is a lot more effective than “I’m sorry, but you made me mad.”
Validate each other’s emotions.
You don’t have to fully agree to say, “I can see how that upset you.” Feeling heard and understood helps rebuild emotional safety, which is key for a lasting relationship.
Clarify misunderstandings.
So many fights come down to miscommunication. Take a moment to clear things up by asking, “Can we talk about what we each meant back there?” or “I think I misunderstood you—can you explain what you were trying to say?”
Work on a solution together.
If the fight was about something that keeps coming up, try to get curious about how to approach it differently in the future. What needs aren’t being met? What could you both do differently next time?
Reconnect emotionally.
Repair isn’t just about words—it’s also about warmth. A hug, a kind gesture, a shared inside joke—these little things can go a long way in softening any leftover tension and reminding you that you’re on the same team.

remembering what brought you together can be helpful when looking to reconnect after a disagreement.

When to Consider Couples Therapy

Most couples can work through everyday conflicts on their own with some patience and practice. But sometimes, the same issues keep popping up—or the fights feel too heavy to handle without extra support. And that’s okay.

Here are a few signs it might be time to bring in a professional:

You’re stuck in the same arguments over and over, and nothing ever really gets resolved
Communication has broken down—one or both of you feel like you're not being heard
There’s a growing sense of emotional distance, or resentment is starting to build
Past hurts haven’t been fully addressed and keep resurfacing
You’re struggling to navigate big life changes together, like becoming parents, career stress, or grief

Couples therapy isn’t just for relationships in crisis. It can actually be a proactive tool—helping you strengthen your communication, understand each other better, and build healthier conflict-resolution habits before things feel overwhelming.

Reaching out for support doesn’t mean you’re failing, it means you’re invested in making things work.

Final Thoughts

Remember: every couple fights. It’s how you fight that counts. Conflict doesn’t mean your relationship is broken, it just means you’re human. What really matters is how you move through those moments.

When you approach disagreements with respect, take time to cool down when things get tense, and make space to repair after a fight, you’re not just avoiding damage, you’re actually building a stronger, more resilient connection as a couple.

So next time you find yourself in an argument, take a breath and ask yourself:

Am I fighting to win—or to understand?

That simple shift can make all the difference.

Until Next Time,

Kimberly

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